Rock of Love Update!

Unfortunately, our favorite tequila drinking Brazilian has been kicked off of Rock of Love. TEQUILA! We are sad to see her go, but on the bright side...she won't have to make out with Bret anymore!

And who are they trying to fool with this new tour bus theme anyway? Bret's just sooo busy touring the country. Yeah, OK!  Are there actually still people attending this guy's concerts? What does he even sing...other than the theme song to the show? 

Does anyone really think this guy is trying to find love? This is just one of those shows that you watch to raise your self-esteem. Where do they find these girls? Can you say...HOT MESS?

We will have to find a new drunk girl to root for. I'll keep ya posted.

Dear Miley,

You're sixteen now. It's time to start wearing a bra.

Love,

KP

Miley is certainly on her way to becoming the next Lindsay Lohan. It looks to be all downhill from here. Why is it that Disney stars always seem to turn out the worst? And I absolutely will not accept the "i forgot!" excuse. There is just no way! You just know if you have a bra on. There is no forgetting. Ya just know!

Hey there, Hot Mess!

Jessica Simpson has been making headlines for her apparent weight gain. Her sister, Ashlee, and Kim Kardashian have run to Jessica's side to offer support.

 I am by no means a Jessica Simpson fan. And I am definitely not a fan of gaining weight. I don't think the real issue here is her weight though.

What exactly is going on with these pants? A little advice, Jess... If you need two belts just to keep your pants on, you probably should not be wearing those pants. 

I am reminded of Mom Jeans from SNL. VERY UNFLATTERING ON ANY FIGURE. What were you thinking, Jess? Someone should sit her down for the camel toe talk.

Manifesto

There certainly are quite a few celebrity gossip sites on the world wide web, but no other site offers what is given away here – my opinion. I am sure we can all agree that we have had our full share of Perez Hilton. He used making fun of celebrities to become a celebrity. The time has come for me to enlighten everyone on the real issues. I am dedicated to providing my readers with the most embarrassing and life-shattering celebrity gossip. 

No celebrity will be safe from my wrath. That is unless they are mind-numbingly boring and a complete waste of internet space. (Sorry, Lauren Conrad... I guess that means you will never be featured).

The best way to feel better about yourself is to make fun of someone else! These truly are words to live by. It is my intention to entertain my readers. Your entertainment will come at the expense of others. The overindulgence, under-eating, and stupidity of celebrities can all be found here. The New Small Talk refuses to let celebrities do as they please. We shall establish a society where celebrities are no longer adored and viewed as superior. They will become timid creatures who live in fear of being bashed on Blogger. Through the power of humiliation we can defeat this superficial plague.

We promise that you won't be able to sleep at night without reading this blog. It will replace milk and cookies before bed. The entries posted will be so important that you will forget about everything else.

Our staff is highly trained in identifying idiots and exposing them. We operate around the clock to ensure our readers get the news they desperately need to know. We promise that going to other celebrity gossip sites will be like smuggling chocolate into Belgium -- USELESS.

We refuse to let our site be known for negativity. In order to prevent this, The New Small Talk Team has devised a system of awards to give recognition to our celebrities. Without them, we know, none of this would be possible. Among these prestigious awards are The Hot Mess of the Week and, my personal favorite, The Jackass Award. 

The New Small Talk will also feature posts dedicated to the train wrecks that started it all. Even the mothers of these celebrities will not be spared. Watch out Dina Lohan; we're coming for you! Pimping your daughter out is not an actual job. Without these classy ladies we wouldn't be able to make fun of their children every single day.

The New Small Talk Team has devised a strategy for making celebrities cry:

1. Many hours will be spent taking rigorous training courses on how to make fun of others.

2. All subscriptions to US Weekly and In-Touch will be renewed.

3. Every TMZ and Chelsea Lately will be DVR-ed.

4. Numerous hours will be spent in front of the TV.

5. The right to Google with be exercised to the fullest extent.

The sweet deliciousness that is The New Small Talk will swiffer the nation. There will be no other source for celebrity gossip. Anyone who matters will read this blog. It will be so amazing that it will probably replace newspapers by the end of this semester. Do yourself a favor and start reading; everyone else is doing it.