Oh, Manifesto.

Dear Readers (or just George. If he even stills reads this...),

As we near the end of Spring Semester, I regret to inform you that The New Small Talk has failed on its promise to replace newspapers. Perhaps that was a ridiculous promise to begin with (as was most of the original manifesto), and I hope no one was stupid enough to believe it. I have composed a list of contributors to the failure of this blog:

1. Lack of dedication -- daily updates are in fact daily. I have somewhat of a life.

2. Copyright laws -- they're a bit scary. I became afraid to steal images. I considered drawing my own in MS Paint, but I'm no artist. And I couldn't paparazzi any photos... celebs just don't come to Manassas all that often anymore.

3. Jessica Simpson -- because really, can't everything be blamed on her?

4. For the Love of Ray Jay -- I may have never made a post about it, but wasn't that just the breakout television series of the year? Danger, she smashed the homies. Anyway, perhaps I spent too much time watching that instead of writing about it.

5. The superficial is just better -- thesuperficial.com

6. Dina Lohan fell off the map. Where has this psycho been lately? It was hard to make fun of crazy moms when her and Lynne Spears went MIA.

7. Jessica Simpson -- when isn't she a hot mess? Doesn't that make the Hot Mess of the Week award useless? 

I could go on forever, but what is the point? No matter the reason, The New Small Talk has failed its readers. I set out to make celebrities more tolerable, and doesn't it seem like Paris Hilton has only become more annoying since I started this blog? 

We certainly didn't swiffer the nation. Our 1 person following isn't very impressive. 

However, I seem to recall that the writer of the manifesto is supposed to make outrageous claims that they later disown. So, I would like to take the opportunity to disown my manifesto. From now on, I promise nothing. That way, if I decide to post something, it will be magical and completely going above and beyond what my manifesto calls for. My posts will be so infrequent that seeing a unicorn will be more likely to happen.

George,

We gave it a good run. And it was fun while it lasted. But I think this Blogger relationship should end here. You could check back from time to time, but like I stated before, I'm not making any promises that I will even still be here. Sorry.

All the best!

KP

Group Project Critique

The group project that I was most impressed by was Facade by Justin and Shane. Their site had a great layout and was overall very well done. It seems like a lot of work went into creating their project.

What I like most about their site, and didn't even realize until just now, is that every time you go to the intro page the image changes slightly. I have no clue how they even managed to do that, but it is a really neat effect.

I also liked the type-writer idea that was used on the second page, but it does make the text very difficult to read. Perhaps it would be easier to read if the type-writer motion was slower. Making it slower would allow for the viewer to have time to read the text, and it would also make that page easier to look at; the constant motion hurt my eyes a little.

The insurgent page was executed very well. Again, this is another technique that I have no clue how to do, but it is really interesting. I especially liked that they didn't just use this technique just to use it, but they made using the technique relevant by relating to the first line of the text. At first I thought random parts of the text "explode" and then reappear, but upon playing with their site, I realize that only the text that I hover over with the cursor are affected. I like that the user has control over this page in a sense, and the effect isn't just a code that "explodes" words in a set order.

The page entitled "Woman" also showcases another great effect. I like how letters drop down from the phrase before to create a new phrase. It seems like writing this would have taken a lot of thought. I think this page, more than the others, really shows the writing ability that Justin or Shane has. Writing these lines would have been challenging for me with the use of the entire alphabet, I couldn't imagine writing with a limited use of letters.

The Terrorist page moved really quickly and I was too impatient to actually take the time to read all of the writing. This works though. Slowing it down probably would have looked boring. I like the text being fast because it gives the page a sense of chaos and disorder. When I see the word terrorist, I sort of expect things to be chaotic and all over the place. Having the page slow and plain wouldn't have made any sense. I also liked how each text moved at a different pace and in different directions.

The Conspiracy Theorist page is crazy... for lack of a better word. The line "the most dangerous thing about chaos is the illusion of order" gives meaning to the rest of their project, and really kind of creeps me out. The rest of the project is about chaos, and yet it does have an order to it: certain words explode when you touch them, certain letters fall. Perhaps the words exploding is an illusion of order because there really is no set order to that; it is user-controlled. The other pages do seem to be a definite set order though and just give an illusion of chaos. I like how there are boxes on this page that teh user can move to cover the text and reveal the pictures, but I am not sure what the purpose of this effect is.

The next page, entitled "Mother" bothers me. It starts out with really creepy images and then uses an image of Legos in court. There is also an image of a judge in a wig who just looks goofy. I wish this page would have just used serious and eery pictures, instead of mixing in two pictures that disrupt the flow. The images may relate to the text below them, but they don't fit in with the res tof the images. I like Legos as much as anyone else and that picture does make me laugh, but it really takes away from the tone that the rest of the page works to establish.

The Deceased page was my favorite. The images and text were very well chosen and a lot of thought seems to have gone into this page. I like the effect that is used to reveal the pictures too. This is much more interesting that just having each picture clearly displayed on the page. I like how the pictures overlap in a box and then reveal themselves once the cursor is on an image. I also think it was very creative to use an image of a dead fly alongside a caption that begins with "death kept flying"...clever!

The Machine page is funny. I love the "to do" section. This page is a good ending for this project. Although, I was able to view the images and it was not between 8:08 and 8:10, and it definitely wasn't a Tuesday.

Overall this project is very interesting and well put together. There were only a few things that I did not like, but the good definitely outweighs the bad. Shane and Justin seem to have put a lot of work into this project. Their site was easy and fun to navigate.

The best day ever!

I am ever so happy to report that Jessica Simpson has finally been dropped from her country label. When she first started this whole thing I warned her, "No one likes you. We all like Carrie Underwood so much more. Don't even try. We're all going to laugh at you." 

Seriously though, she said crap about Carrie Underwood (THE ACM ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR!) and expected to create a successful country music career. Are you an idiot? ... Yes. But stop using that as an excuse.

Critique Three

Juked is an online literary journal that publishes fiction, poetry, and photograpghy; however, there was little photography to be found on the site. Juked has been in publication since 1999, and says that they don't "adhere to any particular themes or tastes." This literary journal is updated two to three times a week, and there is also an annual print edition.

I was most surprised to learn that contributors to this literary journal have been anthologized in W.W. Norton's New Sudden Fiction and Dzanc Book's Best of the Web. I was immediately drawn to this literary journal because the icon didn't seem very scholarly. I wanted to review a journal that didn't immediately strike me as boring.

The publications on Juked are full of talent, and it seems like this is an effective platform for creative work, since many of the contributors have been recognized. My only complaint is that none of these works take advantage of the digital format. This journal might as well be in print. The only reason it is on the web is probably because print costs more money, and because they do so many updates. The publications almost look like a page from a book. They are very plain and the text is standard. I suppose this is because the contributors aren't just aspiring to be published online, and want their work to translate into print easily. I enjoyed the online works from my first critique much more. I guess I just feel that if something is published online, then there should be links and hovers...or anything to add excitement to the text. There are so many things that can be done to digital formats, and I just feel like Juked didn't do anything.

The thing I liked msot about Juked is that they state in their info "your work will always remain yours." Until this class, I didn't think about rights. If I ever actually wrote something... and someone actually wanted to publish it, then I would want the rights to my own work. Juked asks for first-and-one-time and archival rights. That sounds like a fair deal to me. However, the chances of me writing something that Juked would even consider publishing is slim to none. The works in this journal are very refined, and I have never written anything. Ever. Unless Juked does an issue about literary analysis papers, I am pretty sure I will never be featured on this site. But, if the oppurtunity ever presented itself, I would want to be published on this site.

Overall, Juked had great work on their site, but I would have liked to see more photography and more use of digital formats.

Group

I am in a group with George and Jonathan. We're no New Kids On the Block, but we're still pretty cool. Maybe more like Hanson than anything.

Critique of the ReRemixx

I was most impressed with George Shry's remix, or ReRemixx. I am terrible at any computer editing program, and I think his project really showcased how skilled he is with Photoshop. The point of this assignment wasn't to show everyone how talented you are, but I think being skilled with certain computer programs definitely makes your project more appealing. I thought George also did a great job at incorporating other lessons from class into his project. For instance, he contacted an artist for permission to use one of the drawings. I sat on Creative Commons for an eternity searching for works I could alter without having permission to do so. Maybe had I just contacted users on Flickr, I could have used the images I originally wanted to use. Good thinking, George.

I also liked how George's project seemed very seamless, or if it hadn't even been remixed. I guess this is also another example of how skilled he is at Photoshop. Most of the projects screamed "I've been remixed!," but George's seemed like it was in it's original format. He actually mentioned that he added the text because the image seemed like he didn't really alter it in any way. I think that is a sign of great work. If it is impossible to tell that things were added and altered, then it probably took a long time to create this image. It seems like George spent a great deal of time creating this image.

The main thing I liked about George's project is that he used different mediums to create the image we now see. The main dragon was a pencil sketch, the crystal ball is a digital work, and the fingers holding the crystal ball are George's, taken with a digital camera. Combining three different types of images to make one image must have been challenging. It is a very creative idea, that worked out very well. 

The quotes that George used are very applicable to this project. This project was very driven by imagination. Without that, none of us could have come up with our sources to remix. And, it seems as though George certainly did use a lot of imagination in producing this project.

Overall, I feel that George achieved his goal of making his remix project "seamless". And, although he expressed concerns that his hours of labor that went into the project may be lost because of the seamless effect,  I think most of us were aware that this was a tedious and time consuming remix project. 

I wouldn't change anything about this remix project, because if I did it would be entirely noticeable and only serve to mess up all of the work that George put into creating this. I would like to steal all of George's techniques and learn how to use Photoshop. 

The Remix

Remix Project: Alice's (in)famous Adventure's in Wonderland

(click on images to enlarge!)

For my Remix Project, I decided to mix Lewis Caroll's, Alice's Adventure's in Wonderland, with images of celebrities. At the beginning of this class I made a celebrity blog, and decided this direction for the Remix Project would be appropriate to make my assignments cohesive. I originally planned to use the illustrations from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, but later thought of celebrities who could be used in place of Lewis Caroll's characters. In place of Alice, I decided to use Alice Cooper (mainly because the only other Alice I could think of was the maid from the Brady Bunch). Elvis is of course the King (just beating out the Burger King for the role), and the Queen was also an obvious choice. The White Rabbit is a Playboy Bunny, whose name I am not sure of. Finally, the Mad Hatter is T-Pain, who often wears hats that always make me think of the story. I obtained all of these images from Creative Commons. The borders and text that were added to the images were obtained from archive.org.

The first thing I did was edit the images in Comic Life. This allowed me to alter the images into an acrylic comic. I then realized that I am a self-proclaimed Mac user, but I felt helpless without Microsoft Paint. So, I saved everything to a flashdrive and attempted to use the only PC in the house -- a beauty from forever ago that still has a floppy disk drive. To my dismay, someone had removed MS Paint. I was forced to google how to retrieve this amazing application, and after hours of searching was successfully up and doodling in my beloved MS Paint. I opened two windows of MS Paint, one of my acrylic comic images and one of the pages from the book. I resized the images to 80% of their original size and then began with the magic of copy and paste. I copied the borders from the actual pages of the book and pasted them around the images of the celebrities. I then began to copy the quotes from the book; breaking down the words and playing with the constituents. However, I thought it was important to not mix the words up, because I still wanted the quotes to be easily read. After doing this for each picture, I saved them to my flashdrive and uploaded them on The New Small Talk. I decided to post these to my blog because successfully incorporated celebrities into this assignment. Had I not used celebrities, then I would have posted this project separate from my blog.

This project was challenging for someone who has no editing skills other than what she learned in elementary school on MS Paint. My main goal was to create an end product that wasn't horrible, and also to create one that was semi-clever. My purpose was to combine two things that bring joy to my life: 1. Disney Movies, 2. Celebrity Gossip. Since Disney is crazy, I decided to not get sued and use Lewis Caroll's work instead. This assignment also gave me a chance to read Alice's Adventure's in Wonderland again, and I was also able to watch the movie... passing it off as "investigative work" for a project. Overall, I am pleased with the end results, but wish I could have thought of someone to be the Cheshire Cat.

Image sources:
Bunny: http://www.flickr.com/photos/synthesizers/1650281422/
Elvis: http://www.flickr.com/photos/e06158/2648766400/
T-Pain: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ethanhein/3039211994/
Alice Cooper: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kylemacdonald/147436334/
Queen: http://www.flickr.com/photos/13790198@N08/2364680828/

Text: http://www.archive.org/details/alicesadventures00carr2

It's only getting worse...

 Jessica Simpson's singing career is pretty much over. Personally, I'm not sure if it really ever started. Now I feel like she is even making fun of herself. First she announces her new line of luggage, appropriately entitled something along the lines of Fat Sack. And now she is releasing a line of plus size dresses because she has run out of clothing options. 

Okay, no. She is releasing the plus size line because she "knows what looks good on curvy women". REALLY? Is this something she recently learned, or did she always know this? 

This just in!

Leonardo DiCaprio has decided to leave his supermodel girlfriend for me. I suppose this isn't exactly entirely true, but with a little help from Photoshop Elements, Microsoft Picture It!, and Iphoto it is a pretty convincing story.

In PhotoShop Elements I created two layers (one of the titanic scene and one of myself). I then cut out my face and put it over Kate Winslet's face. I feathered the edges and blurred parts of the image. Then I adjusted the hue and saturation to match the skin tones. Then in Iphoto I added the vingette to a level of six. In Microsoft Picture it! I put a black border around the image for intensity and then added the text.

Good plan.

The human dolphin has gotten wiser since his bong photos surfaced. Apparently pictures are documents that keep a record of everything you do. Like a form of evidence. Who knew? Crazy. The incident has caused Michael to tint all the windows of his Baltimore home, so no paparazzi can catch him hitting the bong in the comfort of his own home. He is also hanging out at strip clubs now because pictures may not be taken there. Whether or not that is good for his image is up for debate. I guess he is over bongs and has moved on to strippers. That will get ya right back on the Frosted Flakes box!

Know Your Rights!

Britney Spears has been immortalized in wax once again! This time for her 2008 VMA appearance. Remember, that was the year when MTV basically gave her awards just for showing up? Unfortunately, I can't post the new wax Britney because I can't seem to find the terms of using that image. So, I present to you the old wax Britney...

(I am free to share and remix this image under the attribution license! Of course, credit must be given to Safriz Photography on Flickr.)

According to Sky News:


Liz Edwards from the waxwork museum said they needed to recreate her 'one more time' because "her original figure captured a provocative pose from her 2001 Dream Within A Dream Tour and was extremely popular. However, she's undergone a huge transformation since then and we wanted to reflect her as she is now."

(Now this text is a little more tricky. Really, I don't think I can even use it. However, in the Terms of Use section entitled "Definitions" the term "home use" is not defined. So I am going to claim that this blog is indeed for my "own personal non-commercial home use" as to be in compliance with Sky News' conditions. If that doesn't fly with Sky News, then I guess they will just send me a take down notice. Anyway, check out the full text here.)


If you're really dying to see what this new wax Britney Spears looks like, then watch this clip. Then take the Britney from this clip, add 15 pounds, give her really bad hair, and dress her in an outfit that looks like a disco ball. There you have it -- the new wax Britney!



(This video was found on archive.org and according to our class discussion, everything on that site is under public domain. However, if Britney were smart enough to find this music video on archive.org and call her lawyers, I'm almost positive it would have to be taken down. You can watch the video here also.)

Yes!

I love this picture. I have to admit that I am a fan of Spencer Pratt. The guy is funny. I like to know what he is up to. And I love that he tips the paparazzi off and poses for pictures. It's brilliant! Making money for smiling. 

Anyway, apparently this photo is extremely damaging to Snoop Dogg's street cred.  Oh well.

Oh my!

Chris Brown was arrested for following in the footsteps of Ike Turner. Nothing has really been confirmed yet about the incident, but Chris is apparently facing up to 9 years in prison. Have fun with that, pal! 

From what I've heard, Chris hit Rihanna because she gave him herpes. I really don't have a reliable source to back that up though. 

I guess we can all stop being excited that Chris Brown is from Virginia. This was really a bad career move for Chris. All of your fans are females... we won't like you if we think you're going to beat us.

My biggest question from all of this is: is Shia Labeouf okay? He used to date Rihanna. I hope he doesn't have herpes. That could really complicate our future relationship. 

Critique

SOLILOQUY was not at all what I expected. It certainly was not like Leonardo DiCaprio’s soliloquy in Romeo and Juliet. A soliloquy, by definition, is supposed to be uninterrupted speech. Kenneth Goldsmith expands this defintion to create his own form of a soliloquy. For an entire week Goldsmith recorded his conversations and made a soliloquy by publishing his contributions in these conversations. Goldsmith’s soliloquy is far from the traditional or expected soliloquy. It doesn’t make sense. It seems to be a series of ramblings that jump from one topic to the next. Every sentence is independent and does not necessarily relate to the sentences that come before or after it.

I chose this electronic text because Goldsmith’s idea was so ridiculous that I found it intriguing. I couldn’t imagine keeping a record of everything I said during an entire week. I also had doubts about the reality of this text – was Goldsmith really going to include everything?

SOLILOQUY is an incredibly random text, but among the randomness the reader learns about Goldsmith as a person. That is what I like about this piece of literature. It is real. Goldsmith is not writing a story for us to read; he is recording everything he said. We learn that Goldsmith is normal. He is a man who encounters people that he will later refer to as assholes, a man who loves his grandmother, and he also has an appreciation for children’s movies and Maculy Culkin. During the week Goldsmith is very work-oriented, and it was long until I began skimming the text looking for curse words, or anything that wasn’t about computers and font sizes. Goldsmith, as I expected, is almost a completely different person on the weekends. He talks about Vegas, makes fun of people, and also speaks about strippers.

The only thing I didn’t like about this text is the actual electronic format. The format is not very reader-friendly. The reader must hover the mouse over a sentence in order to reveal the writing. Those who are very tech—savvy like myself can highlight the entire page to read the entire text at once. I didn’t like having to hover the mouse because I found it hard to keep my place. I started missing large portions of the text and it was frustrating. However, I can see the purpose of having this format. Goldsmith’s soliloquy doesn’t make any sense when read as a normal text. The hover technique reveals one sentence at a time, and that creates a sort of flow. It keeps the sentences separate from each other. In order to have any meaning the sentences need to be read separately. 

Overall, this text was enjoyable because it was an interesting idea. But the format made it difficult to read and it was incredibly lengthy. One person can certainly say a whole lot in one week.

Quickness.

Sheriff Leon Lott Jr. is trying to bust Michael Phelps for hitting the bong. He refuses to turn the blind eye just because someone is a celebrity. Personally, I think he is going after Michael because he is a celebrity. Is he trying to track down everyone else who used this bong? Or even the own of this bong? Maybe he could track down murderers and rapists instead. Cops, pffft.

David Beckham hates the US and wants to leave. Ok... not exactly. Who didn't see this coming? American soccer is weak. LA Galaxy or AC Milan... that isn't a hard decision. If ANY team in Europe wants Beckham, then he should pack his bags and go. He is getting old.

Lindsay Lohan's pathetic excuse for a father has decided to stop blogging. He apparently came across this blog and immediately decided to call it quits.

Scarlett Johansson tried to steal my hair color. She can't pull it off. Needs to find a colorists and go back to being a blonde.

Bret Michaels is crushing on Jennifer Anniston. What will this do to Rock Of Love? Jen should take what she can get at this point.

9 to 5 is going to be on broadway! Isn't that just fantastic?

Michelle Obama's hairstylist of 25 years will not be moving to DC to maintain Michelle's look. That's weird... I didn't think she had a stylist. If a bob is the best cut this "stylist" could come up with, then Michelle is probably better off without her.

This just in!

Kate has decided to do her next blog post on SOLILOQUY. Look out for that! The guy who wrote it is a celebrity in my mind. His name escapes me though. He isn't an A-lister I guess.

Also... I have decided to add myself to the list of people who will never be made fun of on this site.

love,

KP

Nooooo!

We usually make posts that make fun of celebrities, but of course exceptions will be made. I refuse to ever insult: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Lakers, Sophia Bush, and Manchester United. (Others may be added to this list at any given moment). 

I regret to inform my readers that Andrew Bynum will be out 8 to 12 weeks after tearing a ligament in his right knee.

This is déjà vu for Lakers fans. Bynum suffered a knee injury last January that kept him out for the remainder of the season. Without Bynum, the Lakers lost in the NBA finals. 

What will this loss do to the Lakers this season? Will the Lakers be able to maintain their position as the top team in the west? It seems that Kobe will be the go-to guy from now on this season. What will this pressure do to Kobe? Is there any chance for the Lakers to come back from such a loss?

This is a sad day for Lakers fans.

If you want to see the footage of Bynum's injury, go to youtube. I refuse to put such terrible footage on this site.

Why, Michael? Why?

It's official. Michael Phelps has broken my heart into a million tiny pieces. The greatest Olympian of all time has admitted that it is indeed him in those awful pictures. Why is Michael Phelps bonging it up with some randoms at USC? You are THE GREATEST OLYMPIAN OF ALL TIME. Come on! 

Let KP give you some advice --

When pictures like this surface, maybe you should just try denying that it is you in the picture. I mean... it's a side view. That could be anyone! 

Well I've never heard of marijuana being a performance enhancing drug, so in my eyes Michael Phelps is still the greatest Olympian of all time. Unless someone kills his record in the 2012 Olympics, which he apparently won't be invited to.

We should have seen this coming. He's a Weezy fan. I was just hoping it would have been with Weezy and not some USC randoms.

Michael, I present you with the Jackass Award. Maybe you can display it next to your 14 gold medals, jackass.

Rock of Love Update!

Unfortunately, our favorite tequila drinking Brazilian has been kicked off of Rock of Love. TEQUILA! We are sad to see her go, but on the bright side...she won't have to make out with Bret anymore!

And who are they trying to fool with this new tour bus theme anyway? Bret's just sooo busy touring the country. Yeah, OK!  Are there actually still people attending this guy's concerts? What does he even sing...other than the theme song to the show? 

Does anyone really think this guy is trying to find love? This is just one of those shows that you watch to raise your self-esteem. Where do they find these girls? Can you say...HOT MESS?

We will have to find a new drunk girl to root for. I'll keep ya posted.

Dear Miley,

You're sixteen now. It's time to start wearing a bra.

Love,

KP

Miley is certainly on her way to becoming the next Lindsay Lohan. It looks to be all downhill from here. Why is it that Disney stars always seem to turn out the worst? And I absolutely will not accept the "i forgot!" excuse. There is just no way! You just know if you have a bra on. There is no forgetting. Ya just know!

Hey there, Hot Mess!

Jessica Simpson has been making headlines for her apparent weight gain. Her sister, Ashlee, and Kim Kardashian have run to Jessica's side to offer support.

 I am by no means a Jessica Simpson fan. And I am definitely not a fan of gaining weight. I don't think the real issue here is her weight though.

What exactly is going on with these pants? A little advice, Jess... If you need two belts just to keep your pants on, you probably should not be wearing those pants. 

I am reminded of Mom Jeans from SNL. VERY UNFLATTERING ON ANY FIGURE. What were you thinking, Jess? Someone should sit her down for the camel toe talk.

Manifesto

There certainly are quite a few celebrity gossip sites on the world wide web, but no other site offers what is given away here – my opinion. I am sure we can all agree that we have had our full share of Perez Hilton. He used making fun of celebrities to become a celebrity. The time has come for me to enlighten everyone on the real issues. I am dedicated to providing my readers with the most embarrassing and life-shattering celebrity gossip. 

No celebrity will be safe from my wrath. That is unless they are mind-numbingly boring and a complete waste of internet space. (Sorry, Lauren Conrad... I guess that means you will never be featured).

The best way to feel better about yourself is to make fun of someone else! These truly are words to live by. It is my intention to entertain my readers. Your entertainment will come at the expense of others. The overindulgence, under-eating, and stupidity of celebrities can all be found here. The New Small Talk refuses to let celebrities do as they please. We shall establish a society where celebrities are no longer adored and viewed as superior. They will become timid creatures who live in fear of being bashed on Blogger. Through the power of humiliation we can defeat this superficial plague.

We promise that you won't be able to sleep at night without reading this blog. It will replace milk and cookies before bed. The entries posted will be so important that you will forget about everything else.

Our staff is highly trained in identifying idiots and exposing them. We operate around the clock to ensure our readers get the news they desperately need to know. We promise that going to other celebrity gossip sites will be like smuggling chocolate into Belgium -- USELESS.

We refuse to let our site be known for negativity. In order to prevent this, The New Small Talk Team has devised a system of awards to give recognition to our celebrities. Without them, we know, none of this would be possible. Among these prestigious awards are The Hot Mess of the Week and, my personal favorite, The Jackass Award. 

The New Small Talk will also feature posts dedicated to the train wrecks that started it all. Even the mothers of these celebrities will not be spared. Watch out Dina Lohan; we're coming for you! Pimping your daughter out is not an actual job. Without these classy ladies we wouldn't be able to make fun of their children every single day.

The New Small Talk Team has devised a strategy for making celebrities cry:

1. Many hours will be spent taking rigorous training courses on how to make fun of others.

2. All subscriptions to US Weekly and In-Touch will be renewed.

3. Every TMZ and Chelsea Lately will be DVR-ed.

4. Numerous hours will be spent in front of the TV.

5. The right to Google with be exercised to the fullest extent.

The sweet deliciousness that is The New Small Talk will swiffer the nation. There will be no other source for celebrity gossip. Anyone who matters will read this blog. It will be so amazing that it will probably replace newspapers by the end of this semester. Do yourself a favor and start reading; everyone else is doing it.